Chapter 8 - A Pirate's Plot

On board the ship of this greedy, bitter, desperate pirate, Barney was finally getting his sea legs. The crew thought it odd that he still wobbled around in such an uncoordinated way after two weeks, but that was before they realised he always walked like that. His already slender body had almost disappeared, but he was beginning to keep his food down – he was getting tired of stew though. Sometimes he would catch the Captain staring at him, almost hungrily, as he scrubbed the deck. Now, Barney might have been wonky and timid and frightened, but he was not stupid, and could see that the captain was forming a plot. As Sammy was rather dim (nobody has brains and looks and sporting ability and a godly mission), and Celia was much too busy doing sensible, practical things like cooking and cleaning and watching Sammy’s muscles ripple, it fell to Barney to uncover and thwart it.

One day, shortly after Barney had realised that the Captain was forming a plot, he took his chance. A lion growled loudly from under the deck, and because Barney knew that there was not a single lion on board, he deduced that the Captain was asleep. He tiptoed past the cad, who was hanging half-out of his hammock, a small puddle of drool forming on the floor beneath his open mouth. He let out a great snore as Barney went past, and Barney had to pinch his nose to keep out the stink of the man. The captain would not let Celia wash his clothes. Barney snuck on and prised open the door to the private cabin.

The private cabin was off-limits to all crew members, including first mate. Barney did not like to think what would happen if the captain found him there. He did not want to be thrown in the sea, because he could not swim, and had recently learned about several large and fearsome creatures that made their homes in it. Staying on board, even among the woodmen, who, although angry and struggling, could not get out of ship’s timber, was infinitely preferable. But he plucked up his courage and began his search of the cabin, listening all the time for the lion in the cabin next door.

Scar was unusually well educated for a pirate – nothing but the best private schools for the eldest son of Captain Ruthless. All his plots were outlined in numbered steps with diagrams, planned to the second. Sadly, for all his private school education, Scar was just not very bright. He failed to take into account that there were other people involved that didn’t know about his plans, and consequently was taken by surprise every time one of his magnificent plots was foiled. He was also very messy, and by the time the day came to put his plans into action, his papers were all muddled and some of them were lost, and he would have to start with step fourteen in his plan, because he couldn’t remember the first thirteen that had somehow disappeared.

Barney, however, was unaware of the intense stupidity and inability to adapt of Captain Scar. All he needed to do was steal a few of his papers, but Barney was not to know that. He shuffled through the piles of loose paper that loomed on every surface, and looked at the sheets that floated off every time the ship rocked, and the ones that slid across the floor. His hands trembled and sweat dripped from his forehead, because not only was he in a room full of paper, there was also a large and fierce pirate captain sleeping just beyond the door (Barney had realised by this time the Scar was indeed a pirate, although the other two had not yet clicked, Sammy being rather slow and self involved, and Celia being busy doing sensible practical things.) Sifting through the papers, he finally found a sheet entitled, in perfect neat handwriting, all in capitals: PLAN # 457 – WHITE SLAVE TRADING.

Reading the sheet, Barney realised that they were not heading to the land across the sea that made the wonderful shoes, but to some far off island at the edge of the world where they still kept slaves. Step 1, he read, trick slaves into thinking they are not captured. There was a diagram of stick figures smiling. Step 2, sail to the slave markets at Alvin. (A picture of a sailing ship, carefully drawn to scale.) Step 3, put up for auction. Demand lots for girl. (A picture of a handcuffed stick figure in a skirt and another with an auctioneers hammer.) Here, the sheet finished. Barney picked up the next. Step 27 – train crocodile. Scar had made the mistake of not titling each piece of paper, and his plans were often mixed up, so he would spend six months training a crocodile before attacking a passenger liner with cutlasses. Barney became to engrossed in searching for the next section of the plan to sell them off as white slaves that he completely failed to notice the loud thump as Captain Scar fell out of his hammock, and the sudden silence as his snoring stopped.

Captain Scar was always grumpy when he woke up, especially when he woke up suddenly. Today, he was woken very suddenly, as the ship jolted against a large and unexpected wave. He wobbled grumpily up from the floor, and turned to go and yell at his useless crew on deck. But as he turned to leave, he noticed something. His rum bottle was empty. He would have to get a full one from his cabin. He couldn’t face his useless crew without rum.
Barney froze as the door creaked open. He was caught. He was caught and he didn’t have time to come up with a counter-plan. Now, Scar may not have been very adaptable when it came to his plans going awry, but he knew just what to do when you caught someone snooping in your private cabin. Especially if they were small and weedy and cross-eyed. Scar grabbed the trembling boy roughly, and covered his mouth with his hand. Barney struggled feebly, but to no avail. He was well and truly captured. Scar carried the struggling boy out of his private cabin and threw him into the cage.

After Barney was captured, it was necessary that Sammy and Celia were also put into the cage. Even Sammy wasn’t stupid enough to think it was normal for a passenger to live in the cage. Celia proved easy to catch, as she was going about her normal jobs of cooking and cleaning, trying to lull the crew into a false sense of security while she formulated a plot to save Barney. The captain and the first mate crept up on her from behind and overpowered her. Sammy proved more difficult, being large and strong and half-god. They surrounded him while he slept, which turned out to be a mistake, because Sammy disliked being woken. It appeared that as well as being able to knock a very large man out with one punch, he could also light people on fire. With three of his crew knocked out, and his first mate huddled on the floor groaning, with severe burns, Captain Scar held his pistol to Celia’s head. Sammy climbed into the cage.