Chapter 9 - Out of the Frying Pan

Although the slave trading plan had been one of Scar’s better, less complicated plans, it was all going badly wrong. Due to insufficient funds, Scar had had to employ a young and inexperienced navigator, who was nearly as bad at navigating as Scar was at being a pirate. The young navigator, whose name was Joseph, had no idea where they were, only that they weren’t where they were meant to be. He didn’t tell the captain this, of course, because it is never a good idea, to tell a greedy, bitter, desperate pirate captain that you have ruined the only good plan he has made in his whole career. So he just pretended it was taking a little longer than expected to get there, and planned to jump ship and run away next time they reached land.
They had been at sea for six weeks, and were running out of food. Captain Scar was now greedy, bitter, desperate, and very, very hungry. This is not a good combination, because it leads to uncharacteristic behaviour, and rash, foolish actions. To make matters worse, The Frying Pan, which he had been assured was in mint condition, one previous owner, beautifully made and so on, by the used ship salesman he had bought it from, had sprung a leak. Captain Scar was surprisingly trustful of salesmen for such a nefarious beast.
One day, as Barney, Celia, and Sammy sat grumpily in the cage, planning their escape when they reached land, another ship appeared on the horizon. It was small, with white sails and no large bombs visible on it. Scar gave the order to attack without thinking. He didn’t even make a plan.
As the ship drew nearer, Scar realised, too late, that the reason the ship had appeared small was that it was a very, very long way away. The ship they had raised their pirate flag to was enormous and flying the flag of Montak, the country that was home to the three largest weapons manufacturers in the world. This ship didn’t need bombs. It had all sorts of other fancy, technical weaponry like flame throwers and trained sharks. At this stage, though, they probably wouldn’t need them. The ship didn’t seem to have noticed them, and was now bearing down on them ominously. Joseph, from his hiding place, crouched behind the mast, caught sight of a life boat on the big ship. It was three times the size of Scar’s ship.
Below deck, in the cage, Barney was beginning to get edgy. Muffled yelling and frantic footsteps floated down from on deck. In the walls, the woodmen were struggling to get out. Barney could see the walls shake and bend where they fought their bindings, their faces grim and determined. He shook the bars of the cage.
The ship had come into range of the ship from Montak. Captain Scar had decided to fight, because they could not outrun it, and if he was going to die he figured he might as well have some fun, and take a few down with him. He waited until the two ships were side by side, and gave the order – starboard canons open fire. The Montakians gave them one shot’s head start before they swivelled their flame throwers. Scar dashed for the trapdoor to get below deck. As well as being greedy and bitter and desperate, he was also not very brave. Although, even the most omnipotent of gods is likely to quaver slightly in the face of twenty-nine flame throwers aimed at his ship.
To their credit, the crew put up a good showing before they burned to death. They all shouted exclamatory insults and waved their cutlasses. They fired the canons and their pistols. One brave man threw a hook on a rope at the other ship. It dropped into the sea. But then the flamethrowers were turned on, and a huge burst of fire descended on the ship like a thousand dragons. It swept across the heaving deck, leaving nothing but charred bones and melted swords. And then the ship exploded.
The explosion took the Montakians by surprise, because the idea of the flamethrowers was to kill everybody but leave the hull of the ship intact for plundering purposes. They didn’t know what to do, so they turned their ship and took off in the opposite direction, so as not to be associated with it. This was very unfortunate for the five survivors.
The ship had not, in fact, exploded. With a herculean effort, the frightened, angry woodmen had finally freed themselves from the hull and deck. As they burst out, bits of wood flew everywhere, and with nothing to hold it together, the ship collapsed into the sea. Trapped in their cage, our three heroes sank slowly to the bottom of the sea.
Unfortunately for the woodmen, their species cannot survive without wood to live on, and the ocean is decidedly lacking in large trees, bushes, or shrubbery of any sort. Several clung desperately to Barney, and pulled him deeper into the sea, but alas, there were no survivors.
Sammy, being half-god and very strong, managed to break the bars of the cage open enough to pull his friends from the cage. Celia was a poor swimmer, and wearing a dress, while Barney could not swim at all, so Sammy had to be extremely heroic and try to hold both their heads above water while he swam for shore. The two were a dead weight and he felt himself pushed under again and again. The woodmen’s escape had reduced the ship to toothpick sized fragments. There was nothing left even to hold onto and float on. But it would have taken omnipotence to save them both, and Sammy was not yet omnipotent.
Luckily, Joseph the navigator had also survived. Being somewhat cowardly, he had hidden below deck when he saw the flame throwers. He was an excellent swimmer, but unsure of which direction to swim in. Now that he thought about it, navigator had probably been a poor choice of occupation for him. You didn’t see optometrists floating in the middle of the sea after their ship has been attacked with flamethrowers then exploded. He treaded water and floated on the wake of the explosion. A million tiny slivers of wood stabbed him. He bellowed in pain.
Joseph was nearly as good at bellowing as Sammy. Sammy heard him and dragged Barney and Celia to the source of the noise. Of course, once he had an extra person to help with the lifting the rest was easy. He swam to shore with Celia, often having to wait for Joseph and Barney to catch up. Joseph was not as strong as Sammy, not being a demi-god, and Barney flailed about like an elderly woman who has become entangled in her knitting while attempting complex gymnastic moves.
At long last, Sammy sighted land, a line of green bobbing on the horizon, moving in and out of sight as the water tossed him about. He struck out with renewed energy, but the shore seemed to move further away with each stroke. He stopped swimming and simply floated, exhausted. Slowly but surely, the land drifted toward him.
As a side note, the fifth survivor was of course Captain Scar, who had escaped unpleasant death so many times he was beginning to believe he was immortal. He was rescued several days later by a passenger liner, and finally packed in his unsuccessful pirating career for an even less successful one as a children’s entertainer dressed as a pirate on the ship.