The good thing about being half god is that you get a second chance. Gods, of course, are omnipotent and immortal, and humans are not. Therefore, a demi-god either lives a long long life, at least twice as long as a human, or dies and comes back to life for a second chance. So Sammy was not all that worried when the world around him faded to black. Angry, yes. He felt it was very unsportsmanlike to stab someone in the back. But he knew he wasn't permanently dead, so it didn't seem worthwhile being too worried about what would happen. He just let death take over, and closed his eyes so he didn't have to look at the blood.
When Samueus Rufus Pegasus stopped moving, his murderer stood with one foot on his back and raised his fists in the air. The crowd cheered. A little half-heartedly, to be admitted, as they had all wanted the glory and did not like seeing someone else triumph. But soon, they recovered themselves and found celebratory ale in the nearby buildings. The murderer, an unpleasant, burly man with a permanent glare and much scarring, began to drag his magnificent kill away. The giant was younger than he had thought, and quite a handsome specimen. He was considering having it stuffed. In the end, the giant was too heavy to be dragged by one man, but no-one would help him. The murderer wasn't in anyone's gang, because no-one really likes someone who stabs people in the back. So the body would have to stay where it was until the crowd cleared and he could move it in a cart, or cut it up or something. So he sat on the body of Sameus Rufus Pegasus, and took a mug of ale.
Sammy had left his body. It didn't seem like he had though. When he looked down, he could see it. He was lying in bed. The bed was soft and warm and hung with gold curtains. He pushed back the curtain and looked out. The room was shiny and clean, with a golden sofa and a dressing table with a large mirror. He almost leapt out of bed right then. He hadn't had a mirror for a long time. Looking in the mirror was something Sammy liked nearly as much as bellowing and being heroic. But he didn't move. The bed was blissfully comfortable. He closed his eyes, and when he opened them, a beautiful serving girl stood beside the bed. She held a plate of juicy grapes and fed them to him one at a time. Sammy smiled.
The door slammed open. "Get up, boy! That's enough lazing in bed!" Sameus Rufus Pegasus's father burst into the room. "I'm a busy God, you know! Don't waste my time!" He liked to bellow too. Sammy got up. He thought it was a bit tough to be out of bed this soon after dying, but didn't like to say so, in case his father decided he didn't deserve his second chance, and let him die properly. His back didn't hurt at all. He felt it. There was no hole. He was all healed up. He stood straight and tall in front of his father.
Sammy's father was even bigger than Sammy. The ground thundered and shook as he walked, and the whole castle moved. Underneath the clouds the castle was built on, rain fell. When angered, he was a truly terrifying specimen. And he was not happy with his son.
"FIGHTING IN THE STREETS! PIRATES! BEASTS OF THE EASTERN REACHES! COMPOSING SILLY LOVE POEMS IN YOUR HEAD! YOU HAVE NOT HONOURED YOUR MISSION! YOUR SECOND CHANCE IS A PRIVILEDGE! DO NOT WASTE IT! FIND THE SHOE!"
He went on and on. It crossed Sammy's mind that it was slightly worrying that his father knew he had been composing poems for Celia in his head (Barney wasn't the only one that had decided to win Celia's love with a letter). He would have to watch what he thought from now on. And go back and find that stupid sparkly shoe, wherever it was. But what about his friends? He had lost sight of them in the fight, and they couldn't survive on their own. Barney was so useless, and Celia was a girl. He put on an expession of contriteness and nodded every now and then as his father bellowed:
"STABBED IN THE BACK! NEVER HAVE I HAD A CHILD DIE THIS WAY! ASHAMED OF YOU! TEMPTED TO TAKE AWAY YOUR SECOND CHANCE!"
Sammy did get his second chance though, as he had always known he would. He had a short time left with the Gods, and then would return to his body, which would recover immediately, returning to immaculate condition, or better. So he made the most of it.
He ate grapes and lay in bed and got up and looked in the mirror. He bathed and washed his hair, and brushed his golden locks in front of the mirror. He looked very handsome, he thought, as he admired his reflection. Celia would not be able to resist him. No, no, he was not meant to be thinking about her. He must find the sparkling shoe so he could spend eternity in a golden castle in the clouds with beautiful serving girls that fed him grapes.
Sammy's murderer had had a lot to drink. He must have had more than he realised though, because two things happened in quick succession. First was the appearance of two large multi-coloured water monsters in the middle of the square. None of the other revellers seemed to think anything of it, or even notice anything unusual. There must have been something funny in his ale that was making him see things. Secondly, and more worrying, the murdered body he sat on was beginning to move. Just slightly, the chest was rising and falling. He leapt up, reaching for his dagger. His hand had not even touched the hilt when he was thrown violently from his perch. The giant was rising from the dead! The murderer screamed and ran away like the coward he was. The drunken crowd parted in shock as the body jumped to its feet and began to chase the murderer. They could not believe their eyes and simply stood, rooted to the ground in shock.
When a demigod gets a second chance, they come back bigger, stronger, and more beautiful than before - one step closer to the Gods. You would think it would be the other way around, because they have been killed and that should make them weak. But that is just how it is. So Sammy rising from the dead was a magnificent spectacle. Where he had been thought a giant before, he was now a particularly large giant. Where he had been strong enough to fight off ten armed men with his bare hands, he could now fight off twenty. If he had been handsome before, he was breath-taking now. He seemed to glow. The square fell silent.
The murderer had not noticed Sammy's beauty. He was too busy running away. It is very frightening to see someone one has murdered rise from the dead. His head was spinning with thoughts of Gods revenging themselves upon him, of ghosts, of monsters, and zombies. He ran as fast as he could, and of course did what all extremely frightened people do when running away - he fell over.
Sammy reached him in two seconds. He lifted his killer from the ground with one hand and held him at arm’s length. He shook him and glared. The murderer whimpered. "Where are my friends?" growled Sammy.
At length, Sammy got a vague direction out of the man, who sneakily did not tell him about the street he had seen the girl taken down, but told him the street the multicoloured water monsters had turned down. Sammy dropped him and loped off in the direction indicated to rescue his friends from the water monsters (deducing that any situation involving monsters or suchlike would also involve Barney). The murderer went home to change his trousers.
Sameus Rufus Pegasus had every intention of doing what his father had told him. He was going to forget all his distractions, stop fighting in the street, ignore damsels in distress, and return to the mission assigned him. He would find the shoe. Just as soon as he was sure Celia was alright. And Barney, he supposed. He should really save him too. But mostly Celia.
The sky was darkening as evening approached, although it was difficult to tell this in the alleyway. The buildings on either side shadowed the street so much that it was permanently chilly and never quite light. The rickety buildings seemed to trap the smell, concentrating it until it was almost solid. Sammy forced himself to continue down the street. A skinny animal that may or may not have been a cat chewed on a dead rat. It looked up and snarled as Sammy ran past. It had unexpectedly large teeth.
A few minutes later, something colourful caught Sammy's eye through the half-open door of one of the buildings. By that I mean that he saw it and it seemed odd, not that a colourful animal leaped out and grabbed it, or someone in colourful clothing was doing a spot of fishing out the door and Sammy ended up with a hook in his eye. Anyway, something colourful caught his eye and he pulled up short. He turned around and went to investigate.
The door was not open far, but Sammy didn't bother with things like squeezing through sideways. He pulled it off its hinges. This was fun. He like his new strength. Pulling doors off their hinges was nearly as fun as bellowing. He would have liked a good bellow just then. When he stepped through the empty doorframe, he saw piles of coloured cloth in the dark, dirty room. He picked up one pile. It was a multicoloured water monster costume. Next to it was a trapdoor, wide open, which he narrowly avoided falling down.
Sammy dipped a foot into the hole. There were no stairs. He searched for something to drop down it. He settled on ripping the foot off one of the water monster costumes. It didn't make a noise when it landed. He found a chair instead. That made a noise when it hit the pile. It sounded like an avalanche hitting an assortment of heavy duty machinery. Sammy deduced that there had been a pile of junk beneath the trapdoor, and now there wasn't. It didn't sound too far down. Not more than five German Shepherds lined up nose to tail. There was nothing for it. He swung down into the hole, momentarily forgetting his paralysing fear of heights in his determination to rescue his friends.
When he was hanging from the edge of the hole in the floor, with nothing but dark empty space beneath his feet, Sammy's fear of heights returned with a vengeance. He began to have difficulty breathing. He could not move to pull himself back up through the hole. He could not let go. The floorboard he clutched creaked ominously. Eventually, he recovered enough to reach out to the side with a foot. A bracket that had held the stairs in place jutted out from the wall. He rested his weight on it. It held. He shuffled his hands along the mouth of the trapdoor until he was next to the wall. His other foot found a bracket. He slid his hand from its white-knuckled grasp of the floorboards, and ran it along the wall until he found a hole. And so Sammy overcame his fear of heights in his desperation to save his true love, and crept down the wall like and extremely large slow-moving spider with four missing limbs.
When he reached the ground, or actually the top of the pile of collapsed stairs, Sammy released his terrified grip on the wall and slid down the pile. He sat for a moment, waiting for his legs to stop shaking enough to hold him up.
And so Sammy stood in the tunnel that Barney and Elfin had just spent several hours squelching in, and prepared to rescue his friends, realising suddenly that he had no idea where they were, who had them, or how to rescue them. He had no food, no water, and his clothes were covered in blood and full of holes. But those small problems are of little consequence to one as magnificent as Sammy, and he set out confidently down the tunnel.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Chapter 20 - Celia in the hands of three kidnappers
When the darkness had slipped over Celia she had kicked the person nearest with all her might. She rather thought she had broken her toe. It was quite painful. She couldn't even be sure that she had kicked the right person. The man carrying her was not limping and seemed to be impervious to pain. But it probably wasn't the guy she had kicked. She had felt herself change hands several times, as well as going down many new streets. She had no idea where she was, but she thought she might be inside now. The man carrying her had stopped to open a door before.
Celia didn't know it, but she had not been kidnapped as part of a game. The first kidnapper had been kidnapping her for that purpose, of course, but he was only a thug doing what his boss told him. His boss, was also just following orders, and had handed her off to another person, who was also just following orders. The whole system was horribly convoluted, and nobody knew who was working for who, and nobody knew why she had been kidnapped.
The only person who knew why Celia had been kidnapped was the evilest man in the history of evil men, and he had a foul and wicked plan to take over not just the throne, not just the world, but the universe on the heavens too. He wanted to control the fates and the weather and all the little people. He would be onmipotent. But his greed for power would be his undoing, as is so often the case in tales such as this.
He was unwilling to reveal his plan to anyone, because like anyone who has gone crazy with their yearning for power that does not belong to him, he had grown distrustful of those around him, friends, co-plotters and enemies alike. Actually, he had not grown to mistrust his friends. He had never had any of those. So he sat alone in the dark and plotted, and sents his minions on seemingly pointless missions that only ever involved picking things up and delivering them somewhere, without finding out why, or even what they were delivering. Celia was instrumental to his plan.
Currently, though, Celia was in a stone cellar with three of her kidnappers. They were surprisingly friendly, and one of them was very handsome indeed. And the cellar where she was... well, dungeon if she was completely honest... really wasn't too bad. It had a comfortable chair, and food and a chessboard. Celia didn't know how to play chess, but it was a nice thought. One of her guards had just suggested a nice sing-song when suddenly there was a rumble like a bulldozer crashing into a concrete wall and then falling off a cliff.
One of the kidnappers jumped up and ran to look. He came back grinning. "That was meant to happen," he assured her, "just the staircase collapsing. Nothing to worry about. Now, how about Twinkle Twinkle Little Car?" And the two of the kidnappers started a jolly sing-along. The other one just laughed evilly.
A few moments later there was another crashing, followed by a large amount of splashing, like a whale with a belly-ache. "Nothing to worry about," the handsome kidnapper reassured Celia, "just your rescuers falling in with the eels."
Celia was slightly concerned by this. Obviously Sammy had come to rescue her, like she knew he would, and had brought Barney along, which was never a good idea, because Barney's balance left something to be desired, and he was forever falling into things and panicking. Sammy would have to save him, and then it would be longer before they were together again. Although, Sammy was a little stupid, if she was honest, and that guard was very handsome and had a lovely singing voice.
Celia's captors were quite pleasant really. But they were just small fish. Not literal small fish, of course. A small fish would be quite incapable of carrying an ordinary sized young woman any distance at all. No, small fish in the sense that they were not proper criminals, just people doing a spot of work to make a bit of money. Their bosses were slightly larger fish, who worked for a larger fish again, who was in turn carrying out the orders of someone who was not a fish at all, but was extremely nasty. So they didn't really feel bad about kidnapping her. In fact, the handsome one with the nice singing voice thought she was rather pretty. He wished she would shut up about her fantastic friend Sameus Rufus Pegasus, who was apparently some kind of god, and quite prepared to smite them when he caught up. The girl seemed to have a very high opinion of him. When his comrades returned with the news that the people who had slipped into the vat of eels were not this enormous fighting machine, but were in fact a small and twisty boy and a large hairy man, he was quite relieved. He sniggered.
Celia, on the other hand, was not relieved when she heard the news that the people who had fallen into the vat of eels were a small twisty boy and a large hairy man, because it certainly meant Sammy wasn't coming. The large hairy man could not be Sammy, because although he was very large, the only appropriate adjectives for describing Sammy were 'magnificent' and 'fantastic' and 'marvellous' and 'godly'... She recovered herself. It was concerning that her rescuer was Barney. Barney was not a person you generally associated with heroic rescues. It was certain to go wrong, and then they would be in real trouble, because Barney tended to rub people the wrong way. She felt sure that once he was captured with her, her kidnappers would stop being so nice.
She was right of course. The rescue mission was failing spectacularly. After they had recovered from the collapsing-stairs fiasco, Barney and Elfin had not walked 30 steps before they found the vat of eels. Find here meaning fell into. Barney, being mostly afraid to leave his stones as a child had not learned to swim well. Most of the swimming holes near his home had been surrounded by forest, or at the very least shrubbery. So he was not much use. Elfin had also not learned to swim, as it was a skill that was not valued highly in cobblers, and he came from a family with so little shoe-making talent that all his capacity for learning was required to learn to make a shoe that didn't fall apart before the customer had paid for it. Failure to learn to swim in earlier childhood is a failure indeed, and this situation was a perfect illustration of the dangers of it.
After much flailing, sheer panic brought them to the edge of the vat. The walls were slippery, but eel-fear gave them wings. The adrenalin rush caused by falling into a vat of eels gave them wings. It didn't actually give them wings of course. That would require a vat of radioactive eels. Really it just made them very scared and helped them get to the edge of the vat and up the slimy walls at top-speed. Barney almost walked on water. An eel slimed against him and he decided that eels were definitely not his favourite animal. That would be something fluffy and nice, like bunnies.
So they escaped the second trap, wet and slimy, but not eaten by eels in remarkably little time and with remarkably little fuss. Several minutes later Elfin discovered a young eel eeling its way around in the water pooling in his shirt. There was much squealing and amusing jumping about. The eels were more horrifying now that they were out of the water. Also it is very unnerving to discover something swimming in your clothing, even if it isn't a nasty slimy eel. Even a small goldfish would be worrying. While Elfin was leaping about, squealing and attempting to remove the eel from his clothing, and Barney was leaping about, squealing, because he was beginning to feel slightly hysterical, the ground gave out beneath them, again. Actually, it didn't give out beneath them. What really happened was that they made the sudden and unexpected discovery that the path was only half as wide as they had thought it was. In other words, they fell off the edge. Off the edge was a short drop no more than Barney's height, into a sloppy, mud-filled ditch. At least they hoped it was mud. They kept telling themselves that anyway. It was extremely smelly, cold and unpleasant. The walls were unclimable. Barney and Elfin dejectedly began to squelch in the direction they assumed Celia had been taken. Just out of earshot, the kidnappers laughed evilly, and Celia tried not to cry.
They squelched along until they were exhausted, shivering, and surprisingly hungry, considering the stench. And then they squelched some more. It was slow going. The 'mud' was deep, in some places knee-deep, in others over Barney's waist. But they forced through it with admirable determination. Barney could feel the occasional creature move around his legs, and his mind filled with horrible images of blind, slimy mud-dwelling creatures with suckers and large teeth. But still they kept on. Hours later, or it might not have been hours - neither of them had a watch, and even if they had, it was pitch black in the underground mud ditch and even a glow in the dark watch would have been difficult to read, especially covered in gunk - they came to the deepest part yet. THe mud was over Barney's chest. "Come on!" Shouted Elfin joyously, "They are making it more difficult! We must be getting close!" He was beginnging to talk in a very exclamatory manner, trying to fool himself into not wishing he was back in his workshop making a poor quality pair of boots. So they pushed themselves, half swimming, through the mud, in a fashion that would have been very funny to watch, had anyone been able to see them. As it was, the kidnappers were chuckling to themselves as they imagined the scene. They knew that it wasn't mud. At last, they reached the end of the tunnel. And that it what it was. The end. It finished in a smooth, slimy, vertical wall with no door. They had spent hours in pursuit of the bad guys, and now they were up to their necks in poo at the very end of a dead end tunnel.
Barney and Elfin managed to struggle back up onto the path they had fallen off, eventually. They had to squelch back to a shallower part of the ditch, which took a really really long time, and then perform what was almost a comedy routine, attempting to regain the path. It involved Barney standing on Elfin's hairy shoulders and climbing up onto the path and then attempting to pull Elfin up. This was doomed from the start, because Barney was less than co-ordinated, and not very strong. There were several instances of falling back in the mud, and once Barney was completely submerged. He reminded himself of how grateful Celia would be, and how he would finally be worthy of her love. At last, entirely brownish grey with mud, he started back along the path. Elfin had to stay in the ditch, because Barney couldn't pull him out. In the end they had to go all the way back almost to the eel vat before a place was found where he could scramble out.
As Elfin scrambled out of the ditch, Barney's ears were met by a horrible sound. Someone was singing. It wasn't that horrible, he realised. Actually, whoever it was was quite a good singer. But that wasn't the point. It was horrible because it is never nice to hear someone singing happily when your true love is kidnapped, your best friend, hero and rival is missing, possibly dead, and you have just had stairs collapse with you on then, fallen into a vat of eels, and spent several hours in a ditch of mud that was possibly sewerage.
After a quick consultation, it was decided that they would sneak up on the singer, tie him up, and force him to reveal Celia's whereabouts. Unfortunately, they had failed to take into account when making their plan that a) they had nothing to tie up the singer once they caught him, and b) it is very difficult to sneak up on someone while wearing wet, muddy clothes. Also that Elfin was huge and his sneaking was about twice as loud as anyone else walking normally or even trying to make a lot of noise. So the sneak up and tie up mission was unsuccessful. The kidnappers decided when they heard Barney and Elfin discussing the plan that the fun would have to end. And so, as the two would-be heroes crept up on the singing guard, the other two kidnappers crept up on them from behind and captured them with ropes
Celia didn't know it, but she had not been kidnapped as part of a game. The first kidnapper had been kidnapping her for that purpose, of course, but he was only a thug doing what his boss told him. His boss, was also just following orders, and had handed her off to another person, who was also just following orders. The whole system was horribly convoluted, and nobody knew who was working for who, and nobody knew why she had been kidnapped.
The only person who knew why Celia had been kidnapped was the evilest man in the history of evil men, and he had a foul and wicked plan to take over not just the throne, not just the world, but the universe on the heavens too. He wanted to control the fates and the weather and all the little people. He would be onmipotent. But his greed for power would be his undoing, as is so often the case in tales such as this.
He was unwilling to reveal his plan to anyone, because like anyone who has gone crazy with their yearning for power that does not belong to him, he had grown distrustful of those around him, friends, co-plotters and enemies alike. Actually, he had not grown to mistrust his friends. He had never had any of those. So he sat alone in the dark and plotted, and sents his minions on seemingly pointless missions that only ever involved picking things up and delivering them somewhere, without finding out why, or even what they were delivering. Celia was instrumental to his plan.
Currently, though, Celia was in a stone cellar with three of her kidnappers. They were surprisingly friendly, and one of them was very handsome indeed. And the cellar where she was... well, dungeon if she was completely honest... really wasn't too bad. It had a comfortable chair, and food and a chessboard. Celia didn't know how to play chess, but it was a nice thought. One of her guards had just suggested a nice sing-song when suddenly there was a rumble like a bulldozer crashing into a concrete wall and then falling off a cliff.
One of the kidnappers jumped up and ran to look. He came back grinning. "That was meant to happen," he assured her, "just the staircase collapsing. Nothing to worry about. Now, how about Twinkle Twinkle Little Car?" And the two of the kidnappers started a jolly sing-along. The other one just laughed evilly.
A few moments later there was another crashing, followed by a large amount of splashing, like a whale with a belly-ache. "Nothing to worry about," the handsome kidnapper reassured Celia, "just your rescuers falling in with the eels."
Celia was slightly concerned by this. Obviously Sammy had come to rescue her, like she knew he would, and had brought Barney along, which was never a good idea, because Barney's balance left something to be desired, and he was forever falling into things and panicking. Sammy would have to save him, and then it would be longer before they were together again. Although, Sammy was a little stupid, if she was honest, and that guard was very handsome and had a lovely singing voice.
Celia's captors were quite pleasant really. But they were just small fish. Not literal small fish, of course. A small fish would be quite incapable of carrying an ordinary sized young woman any distance at all. No, small fish in the sense that they were not proper criminals, just people doing a spot of work to make a bit of money. Their bosses were slightly larger fish, who worked for a larger fish again, who was in turn carrying out the orders of someone who was not a fish at all, but was extremely nasty. So they didn't really feel bad about kidnapping her. In fact, the handsome one with the nice singing voice thought she was rather pretty. He wished she would shut up about her fantastic friend Sameus Rufus Pegasus, who was apparently some kind of god, and quite prepared to smite them when he caught up. The girl seemed to have a very high opinion of him. When his comrades returned with the news that the people who had slipped into the vat of eels were not this enormous fighting machine, but were in fact a small and twisty boy and a large hairy man, he was quite relieved. He sniggered.
Celia, on the other hand, was not relieved when she heard the news that the people who had fallen into the vat of eels were a small twisty boy and a large hairy man, because it certainly meant Sammy wasn't coming. The large hairy man could not be Sammy, because although he was very large, the only appropriate adjectives for describing Sammy were 'magnificent' and 'fantastic' and 'marvellous' and 'godly'... She recovered herself. It was concerning that her rescuer was Barney. Barney was not a person you generally associated with heroic rescues. It was certain to go wrong, and then they would be in real trouble, because Barney tended to rub people the wrong way. She felt sure that once he was captured with her, her kidnappers would stop being so nice.
She was right of course. The rescue mission was failing spectacularly. After they had recovered from the collapsing-stairs fiasco, Barney and Elfin had not walked 30 steps before they found the vat of eels. Find here meaning fell into. Barney, being mostly afraid to leave his stones as a child had not learned to swim well. Most of the swimming holes near his home had been surrounded by forest, or at the very least shrubbery. So he was not much use. Elfin had also not learned to swim, as it was a skill that was not valued highly in cobblers, and he came from a family with so little shoe-making talent that all his capacity for learning was required to learn to make a shoe that didn't fall apart before the customer had paid for it. Failure to learn to swim in earlier childhood is a failure indeed, and this situation was a perfect illustration of the dangers of it.
After much flailing, sheer panic brought them to the edge of the vat. The walls were slippery, but eel-fear gave them wings. The adrenalin rush caused by falling into a vat of eels gave them wings. It didn't actually give them wings of course. That would require a vat of radioactive eels. Really it just made them very scared and helped them get to the edge of the vat and up the slimy walls at top-speed. Barney almost walked on water. An eel slimed against him and he decided that eels were definitely not his favourite animal. That would be something fluffy and nice, like bunnies.
So they escaped the second trap, wet and slimy, but not eaten by eels in remarkably little time and with remarkably little fuss. Several minutes later Elfin discovered a young eel eeling its way around in the water pooling in his shirt. There was much squealing and amusing jumping about. The eels were more horrifying now that they were out of the water. Also it is very unnerving to discover something swimming in your clothing, even if it isn't a nasty slimy eel. Even a small goldfish would be worrying. While Elfin was leaping about, squealing and attempting to remove the eel from his clothing, and Barney was leaping about, squealing, because he was beginning to feel slightly hysterical, the ground gave out beneath them, again. Actually, it didn't give out beneath them. What really happened was that they made the sudden and unexpected discovery that the path was only half as wide as they had thought it was. In other words, they fell off the edge. Off the edge was a short drop no more than Barney's height, into a sloppy, mud-filled ditch. At least they hoped it was mud. They kept telling themselves that anyway. It was extremely smelly, cold and unpleasant. The walls were unclimable. Barney and Elfin dejectedly began to squelch in the direction they assumed Celia had been taken. Just out of earshot, the kidnappers laughed evilly, and Celia tried not to cry.
They squelched along until they were exhausted, shivering, and surprisingly hungry, considering the stench. And then they squelched some more. It was slow going. The 'mud' was deep, in some places knee-deep, in others over Barney's waist. But they forced through it with admirable determination. Barney could feel the occasional creature move around his legs, and his mind filled with horrible images of blind, slimy mud-dwelling creatures with suckers and large teeth. But still they kept on. Hours later, or it might not have been hours - neither of them had a watch, and even if they had, it was pitch black in the underground mud ditch and even a glow in the dark watch would have been difficult to read, especially covered in gunk - they came to the deepest part yet. THe mud was over Barney's chest. "Come on!" Shouted Elfin joyously, "They are making it more difficult! We must be getting close!" He was beginnging to talk in a very exclamatory manner, trying to fool himself into not wishing he was back in his workshop making a poor quality pair of boots. So they pushed themselves, half swimming, through the mud, in a fashion that would have been very funny to watch, had anyone been able to see them. As it was, the kidnappers were chuckling to themselves as they imagined the scene. They knew that it wasn't mud. At last, they reached the end of the tunnel. And that it what it was. The end. It finished in a smooth, slimy, vertical wall with no door. They had spent hours in pursuit of the bad guys, and now they were up to their necks in poo at the very end of a dead end tunnel.
Barney and Elfin managed to struggle back up onto the path they had fallen off, eventually. They had to squelch back to a shallower part of the ditch, which took a really really long time, and then perform what was almost a comedy routine, attempting to regain the path. It involved Barney standing on Elfin's hairy shoulders and climbing up onto the path and then attempting to pull Elfin up. This was doomed from the start, because Barney was less than co-ordinated, and not very strong. There were several instances of falling back in the mud, and once Barney was completely submerged. He reminded himself of how grateful Celia would be, and how he would finally be worthy of her love. At last, entirely brownish grey with mud, he started back along the path. Elfin had to stay in the ditch, because Barney couldn't pull him out. In the end they had to go all the way back almost to the eel vat before a place was found where he could scramble out.
As Elfin scrambled out of the ditch, Barney's ears were met by a horrible sound. Someone was singing. It wasn't that horrible, he realised. Actually, whoever it was was quite a good singer. But that wasn't the point. It was horrible because it is never nice to hear someone singing happily when your true love is kidnapped, your best friend, hero and rival is missing, possibly dead, and you have just had stairs collapse with you on then, fallen into a vat of eels, and spent several hours in a ditch of mud that was possibly sewerage.
After a quick consultation, it was decided that they would sneak up on the singer, tie him up, and force him to reveal Celia's whereabouts. Unfortunately, they had failed to take into account when making their plan that a) they had nothing to tie up the singer once they caught him, and b) it is very difficult to sneak up on someone while wearing wet, muddy clothes. Also that Elfin was huge and his sneaking was about twice as loud as anyone else walking normally or even trying to make a lot of noise. So the sneak up and tie up mission was unsuccessful. The kidnappers decided when they heard Barney and Elfin discussing the plan that the fun would have to end. And so, as the two would-be heroes crept up on the singing guard, the other two kidnappers crept up on them from behind and captured them with ropes
Monday, May 4, 2009
Chapter 19 - Barney on his own
Barney's captor kept a hand firmly over his mouth, and dragged him down a side street, and another and another, until Barney was so hopelessly lost that he would have been unable to find his friends even if he could get away. He struggled feebly, but it was no use. Without his rocks (which had all been used to pelt muggers the day before) he was nothing. He let the large hairy man carry him away.
When the jolting jog of the man carrying stopped, Barney opened his eyes. The street was surprisingly clean. Even the stench was less pungent, although there was still a definite unpleasant odour in the air. Barney rather thought that the cobbles had been swept. He was placed gently on the pavement. He was glad of that, because it is very uncomfortable to be carried on the shoulder of a fat man while he runs, and slightly nauseating. Barney's stomach spun.
"Well, get up boy!" The hairy man growled in an exclamatory manner. Barney got up. The man ushered him into a building. Yes, this part of town was definitely nicer. He was so relieved that he didn't even mind that the building was made of wood. He could see the woodmen in the walls, but they were calm and satisfied and felt almost... friendly. He sat at the table, and the hairy man followed him, checking the road furtively before shutting and bolting the door.
So Barney came to be in the house of Elfin the Shoemaker (although Barney privately thought that his parents had made a severe misjudgement when naming their son - he had never seen anyone less elfin). Elfin made him breakfast and a nice cup of tea and set about informing Barney that they had a mission.
Although Barney did not realise it, this was a huge step in determining his fate. His choice when he heard Elfin speak would determine his whole future. So he didn't listen very closely, because he had not eaten so well for so long that he thought the food deserved all is concentration.
Elfin told a sad story. He was a monumentally unsuccessful shoemaker, his fate determined by the failure of his ancestors so many years ago, when the city was first built. He came from generations of honest but incompetent shoemakers, and he was determined to overcome the past and get out of the city to achieve his true calling - to become a lumberjack. But he needed Barney's help. Barney and his friends, he said, had caused the most excitement the city had seen in years. And so he had decided to ask for their help, as they were obviously survivors. He had carried Barney off during the brawl to make him help. Obviously, he would have preferred the extremely large one, but that one had seemed busy.
The first step to Elfin's masterplan was to rescue Celia. He had seen the girl being captured and carried away in a sack, and in his experience that was never a good thing. So, number one, rescue Celia. Number two, find the giant who had been with Barney and Celia, because it was always an advantage to have a giant on your side when attempting to escape your fate (or indeed when attempting to escape a solidly-walled city. After that he was a little hazy on the details, because he was hoping that they would help him in that department. At this stage his plan involved spiked boots and climbing the wall.
Barney nodded and smiled. He had not really been listening, but he would like more food like this, so he agreed to help. There is a great advantage to being a good cook when you have just kidnapped someone in order to coerce them into helping you escape your like as an unsuccessful shoe-maker in a smelly and rough city.
So, as soon as Barney had finished his breakfast, Elfin got him up from the table and hurried him into his disguise. It wouldn't do for them to be recognised, because the people in the game that weren't good enough to capture the other two would certainly come after him. So Elfin presented Barney with a clever and cunning disguise. It was like nothing Barney had ever seen. Privately he doubted its ability to conceal him. Admittedly, it would disguise his identity very well, but there were definite question marks over the likelihood of his blending in while wearing it. It was large and brightly coloured. It puffed out around the waist like a giant pea, and there were little holes for his arms to come out. Another round section covered his head, with eyeholes and a small slit allowing him to breathe. Unfortunately, as is so often the case with such things, the holes were in entirely the wrong place, and while wearing it Barney could neither see nor hear. From the waist of the costume hung a large number of floppy legs, each a different colour. Barney was to walk through the city disguised as an Immense Multicoloured Water-monster.
Elfin completely failed to see the flaws in this plan. It was his first plan and he was terribly excited. So far it had gone brilliantly. The kidnapping had gone off without a hitch. Well, if he was really honest (which he always was, being an honest but unsuccessful shoe-maker), he had really intended to take all three. And he had not really wanted to have to kidnap anyone. But all in all it was going quite well. So he enthusiastically tied Barney into the costume and put on his matching one. They could definitely get through the city undetected now, he thought with satisfaction.
Barney only allowed himself to be forced into the ridiculous costume because by this time he had realised that his one true love was in vast danger, and he must save her. By saving her he would win her heart and they would get married and live in a stone castle on a rocky island in a lake and be happy forever. So he went along with the plan, because Elfin was difficult to argue with, and anyway, Barney didn't have a better idea. They stepped out into the street.
The plan was not well formed. They did not know where Celia was. Elfin had seen from the corner of his eye a sack being borne away on the shoulders of a man he did not recognise. He wasn't totally sure which street they had taken her down either, which was unfortunate because it meant they would have to start right back at the city square in the centre of the fighting and bloodshed.
And so they made their way to the city square. It was slow going because the disguises were so unwieldy, and Barney kept crashing into things because he could not see properly. But at last they reached the square. They stood in the middle and tried to remember which street Celia had been taken down. Surprisingly, they went completely undetected. A party was going on. There was much rejoicing and much drinking. Several smallish fights had broken out, no more than six or seven men in each one. They were celebrating the fall of the giant. And in celebrating every man in the city square had taken in at least enough liquor to not think it strange to see two Immense Multi-coloured Water Monsters in the middle of their city.
Barney and Elfin went down the street that Elfin had decided was the one Celia had been taken down. As they went further and further along it became obvious that this must have been where she had been taken. She had fought fiercely, because although she was usually extremely sensible, she was ferocious when angered. Bits of sack and drops of blood littered the cobbles. Barney discovered her hair ribbon on the ground a short way down a side street, and they turned down that. From that point Celia had managed to leave tiny clues at each turning. A shoe here, a lock of hair there. But at last the trail ended. Celia had run out of things to leave.
The trail ended in a street much like any other. It was cobbled. The buildings were old, and coated in soot and grime. The stench was horrific. Barney imagined rotting corpses inside every door. They were quite a distance from the centre of the city now. It was not so busy. In fact, there were very few people here at all. No one, actually. The only occupants of the street were two Immense Multi-coloured Water-Monsters.
A door was creaking to and fro in the breeze. Almost like it had been deliberately left open for them. Barney and Elfin, of course, did not even think that it might be a trap. They were both very new to this saving people business, and it didn't occur to them that kidnappers might actually go to some lengths to stop their captives from being saved. So the two Immense Multi-Coloured Water monsters opened the door.
It took some time to get through the door. The thick layer of dirt behind it, coupled with very rusted hinges made it difficult to move, although the wind seemed to have no problem. It didn't open quite wide enough for them to fit through, and they had to bunch up their legs and squeeze through sideways. But finally, they were in the room.
It was very dark in the room. They could not see a thing. "Celia?" cried Barney in an exclamatory manner, not stopping to think that calling out was the perfect way to get discovered and captured. There was no reply. Celia was not in the room. But wait... what was that? A shadow was becoming clearer as their eyes adjusted. A darker square against the wall. Yes, it was a trapdoor. And it was open. Barney crept towards it.
They were forced to abandon their magnificent disguises here. An Immense Multi-Coloured Water-Monster had enough difficulty fitting through a normal door. There was no way it would fit through a trapdoor so much time was wasted in removing the costume. There were a surprising number of buckles and ties holding it up. Barney was so excited by the prospect of finding Celia that his hands trembled as he undid them. He slithered out at last and walked over to the trapdoor.
Now, we all know what a stupid idea it is to follow the evil kidnappers through a trapdoor. It's like standing with a noose around your neck and saying, "hey, you know what would be funny? You should pull the chair out from under me!" That is, of course, if you are saying that to a psychopathic murdering fiend, and not a normal person, because a normal person would certainly refuse to pull the chair out, and completely ruin the simile. However, Bsrney had very little experience with kidnappers, and his judgement was mildly impaired by his concer for his friend. But we will say it was bravery, for the purpose of the story, because bravery is much more admired than stupidity.
So Barney then did something extremely brave. He looked down the trapdoor. It was dark. He thoughy there were stairs, but couldn't be entirely sure. Tentatively, he lowered a foot into the whole (just asking for it to be bitten off by a crocodile). It was not bitten off. It touched a step. Barney stepped down through the hole in the floor.
The steps were rickety. They were made of old wood, long abandoned by the source of Barney's tree-phobia. Unluckily, the woodmen had been replaced by a particularly nasty type of bug whose favourite thing to do was chew through wood until it was just strong enough to hold a single, medium sized man. Barney was not medium sized. It was the first time he had ever been grateful for being small and twisty. Elfin, on the other hand, as has been previously mentioned, was large and hairy. When he stepped onto the staircase, the entire structure collapsed with the sound of a bulldozer crashing into a concrete wall and then falling off a cliff. And they fell.
A great deal of time seemed to pass between the first horrible feeling of unease that came when the staircase began to sway, and the tears and screams of pain as they hit the ground. Actually, not the ground, because they landed on top of the collapsed staircase, but that's not the point. It was a long way down. After that great deal of time had passed, they found themselves lying in the dark on a broken staircase, testing various limbs for breaks. And then, miraculously unharmed, they rose and struggled down the pile to the floor.
The collapsing staircase was the first step in the kidnappers' cunning and dastardly plan. They couldn't help feeling a bit aggrieved that it hadn't hurt their pursuers. But really, once they thought about it, it was more fun this way. Now they could watch the small twisty person and the large hairy person fight their way through several more booby traps, and all to no avail. The head kidnapper laughed an evil laugh. They would never find her now.
When the jolting jog of the man carrying stopped, Barney opened his eyes. The street was surprisingly clean. Even the stench was less pungent, although there was still a definite unpleasant odour in the air. Barney rather thought that the cobbles had been swept. He was placed gently on the pavement. He was glad of that, because it is very uncomfortable to be carried on the shoulder of a fat man while he runs, and slightly nauseating. Barney's stomach spun.
"Well, get up boy!" The hairy man growled in an exclamatory manner. Barney got up. The man ushered him into a building. Yes, this part of town was definitely nicer. He was so relieved that he didn't even mind that the building was made of wood. He could see the woodmen in the walls, but they were calm and satisfied and felt almost... friendly. He sat at the table, and the hairy man followed him, checking the road furtively before shutting and bolting the door.
So Barney came to be in the house of Elfin the Shoemaker (although Barney privately thought that his parents had made a severe misjudgement when naming their son - he had never seen anyone less elfin). Elfin made him breakfast and a nice cup of tea and set about informing Barney that they had a mission.
Although Barney did not realise it, this was a huge step in determining his fate. His choice when he heard Elfin speak would determine his whole future. So he didn't listen very closely, because he had not eaten so well for so long that he thought the food deserved all is concentration.
Elfin told a sad story. He was a monumentally unsuccessful shoemaker, his fate determined by the failure of his ancestors so many years ago, when the city was first built. He came from generations of honest but incompetent shoemakers, and he was determined to overcome the past and get out of the city to achieve his true calling - to become a lumberjack. But he needed Barney's help. Barney and his friends, he said, had caused the most excitement the city had seen in years. And so he had decided to ask for their help, as they were obviously survivors. He had carried Barney off during the brawl to make him help. Obviously, he would have preferred the extremely large one, but that one had seemed busy.
The first step to Elfin's masterplan was to rescue Celia. He had seen the girl being captured and carried away in a sack, and in his experience that was never a good thing. So, number one, rescue Celia. Number two, find the giant who had been with Barney and Celia, because it was always an advantage to have a giant on your side when attempting to escape your fate (or indeed when attempting to escape a solidly-walled city. After that he was a little hazy on the details, because he was hoping that they would help him in that department. At this stage his plan involved spiked boots and climbing the wall.
Barney nodded and smiled. He had not really been listening, but he would like more food like this, so he agreed to help. There is a great advantage to being a good cook when you have just kidnapped someone in order to coerce them into helping you escape your like as an unsuccessful shoe-maker in a smelly and rough city.
So, as soon as Barney had finished his breakfast, Elfin got him up from the table and hurried him into his disguise. It wouldn't do for them to be recognised, because the people in the game that weren't good enough to capture the other two would certainly come after him. So Elfin presented Barney with a clever and cunning disguise. It was like nothing Barney had ever seen. Privately he doubted its ability to conceal him. Admittedly, it would disguise his identity very well, but there were definite question marks over the likelihood of his blending in while wearing it. It was large and brightly coloured. It puffed out around the waist like a giant pea, and there were little holes for his arms to come out. Another round section covered his head, with eyeholes and a small slit allowing him to breathe. Unfortunately, as is so often the case with such things, the holes were in entirely the wrong place, and while wearing it Barney could neither see nor hear. From the waist of the costume hung a large number of floppy legs, each a different colour. Barney was to walk through the city disguised as an Immense Multicoloured Water-monster.
Elfin completely failed to see the flaws in this plan. It was his first plan and he was terribly excited. So far it had gone brilliantly. The kidnapping had gone off without a hitch. Well, if he was really honest (which he always was, being an honest but unsuccessful shoe-maker), he had really intended to take all three. And he had not really wanted to have to kidnap anyone. But all in all it was going quite well. So he enthusiastically tied Barney into the costume and put on his matching one. They could definitely get through the city undetected now, he thought with satisfaction.
Barney only allowed himself to be forced into the ridiculous costume because by this time he had realised that his one true love was in vast danger, and he must save her. By saving her he would win her heart and they would get married and live in a stone castle on a rocky island in a lake and be happy forever. So he went along with the plan, because Elfin was difficult to argue with, and anyway, Barney didn't have a better idea. They stepped out into the street.
The plan was not well formed. They did not know where Celia was. Elfin had seen from the corner of his eye a sack being borne away on the shoulders of a man he did not recognise. He wasn't totally sure which street they had taken her down either, which was unfortunate because it meant they would have to start right back at the city square in the centre of the fighting and bloodshed.
And so they made their way to the city square. It was slow going because the disguises were so unwieldy, and Barney kept crashing into things because he could not see properly. But at last they reached the square. They stood in the middle and tried to remember which street Celia had been taken down. Surprisingly, they went completely undetected. A party was going on. There was much rejoicing and much drinking. Several smallish fights had broken out, no more than six or seven men in each one. They were celebrating the fall of the giant. And in celebrating every man in the city square had taken in at least enough liquor to not think it strange to see two Immense Multi-coloured Water Monsters in the middle of their city.
Barney and Elfin went down the street that Elfin had decided was the one Celia had been taken down. As they went further and further along it became obvious that this must have been where she had been taken. She had fought fiercely, because although she was usually extremely sensible, she was ferocious when angered. Bits of sack and drops of blood littered the cobbles. Barney discovered her hair ribbon on the ground a short way down a side street, and they turned down that. From that point Celia had managed to leave tiny clues at each turning. A shoe here, a lock of hair there. But at last the trail ended. Celia had run out of things to leave.
The trail ended in a street much like any other. It was cobbled. The buildings were old, and coated in soot and grime. The stench was horrific. Barney imagined rotting corpses inside every door. They were quite a distance from the centre of the city now. It was not so busy. In fact, there were very few people here at all. No one, actually. The only occupants of the street were two Immense Multi-coloured Water-Monsters.
A door was creaking to and fro in the breeze. Almost like it had been deliberately left open for them. Barney and Elfin, of course, did not even think that it might be a trap. They were both very new to this saving people business, and it didn't occur to them that kidnappers might actually go to some lengths to stop their captives from being saved. So the two Immense Multi-Coloured Water monsters opened the door.
It took some time to get through the door. The thick layer of dirt behind it, coupled with very rusted hinges made it difficult to move, although the wind seemed to have no problem. It didn't open quite wide enough for them to fit through, and they had to bunch up their legs and squeeze through sideways. But finally, they were in the room.
It was very dark in the room. They could not see a thing. "Celia?" cried Barney in an exclamatory manner, not stopping to think that calling out was the perfect way to get discovered and captured. There was no reply. Celia was not in the room. But wait... what was that? A shadow was becoming clearer as their eyes adjusted. A darker square against the wall. Yes, it was a trapdoor. And it was open. Barney crept towards it.
They were forced to abandon their magnificent disguises here. An Immense Multi-Coloured Water-Monster had enough difficulty fitting through a normal door. There was no way it would fit through a trapdoor so much time was wasted in removing the costume. There were a surprising number of buckles and ties holding it up. Barney was so excited by the prospect of finding Celia that his hands trembled as he undid them. He slithered out at last and walked over to the trapdoor.
Now, we all know what a stupid idea it is to follow the evil kidnappers through a trapdoor. It's like standing with a noose around your neck and saying, "hey, you know what would be funny? You should pull the chair out from under me!" That is, of course, if you are saying that to a psychopathic murdering fiend, and not a normal person, because a normal person would certainly refuse to pull the chair out, and completely ruin the simile. However, Bsrney had very little experience with kidnappers, and his judgement was mildly impaired by his concer for his friend. But we will say it was bravery, for the purpose of the story, because bravery is much more admired than stupidity.
So Barney then did something extremely brave. He looked down the trapdoor. It was dark. He thoughy there were stairs, but couldn't be entirely sure. Tentatively, he lowered a foot into the whole (just asking for it to be bitten off by a crocodile). It was not bitten off. It touched a step. Barney stepped down through the hole in the floor.
The steps were rickety. They were made of old wood, long abandoned by the source of Barney's tree-phobia. Unluckily, the woodmen had been replaced by a particularly nasty type of bug whose favourite thing to do was chew through wood until it was just strong enough to hold a single, medium sized man. Barney was not medium sized. It was the first time he had ever been grateful for being small and twisty. Elfin, on the other hand, as has been previously mentioned, was large and hairy. When he stepped onto the staircase, the entire structure collapsed with the sound of a bulldozer crashing into a concrete wall and then falling off a cliff. And they fell.
A great deal of time seemed to pass between the first horrible feeling of unease that came when the staircase began to sway, and the tears and screams of pain as they hit the ground. Actually, not the ground, because they landed on top of the collapsed staircase, but that's not the point. It was a long way down. After that great deal of time had passed, they found themselves lying in the dark on a broken staircase, testing various limbs for breaks. And then, miraculously unharmed, they rose and struggled down the pile to the floor.
The collapsing staircase was the first step in the kidnappers' cunning and dastardly plan. They couldn't help feeling a bit aggrieved that it hadn't hurt their pursuers. But really, once they thought about it, it was more fun this way. Now they could watch the small twisty person and the large hairy person fight their way through several more booby traps, and all to no avail. The head kidnapper laughed an evil laugh. They would never find her now.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Chapter 18 - City of Thieves
The gates of the city rose before them, magnificent and imposing. They too were carved from diamond (in actual fact they were glass, but no-one could tell), set in solid gold (a cunningly realistic paint). Sunlight flashed off their curves, dazzling the travellers. Barney fell back in awe, shading his eyes. Celia gasped. Sammy shrugged and pretended not to be impressed. They were like the gates to heaven.
A small, doddering official came out to greet them. He was elderly, fat, and somewhat out of breath when he reached them, but welcomed them effusively, before asking for payment to open the gates. Our travellers, despite having been attacked collectively by woodmen, a farmer with a gun, bandits, pirates, white slave traders and an enormous angry thing, had not encountered a common conman. Consequently, they saw nothing wrong with being asked for money to go into a city, and coughed up everything they had. The official waved a hand and the gates swept open. Or not so much swept as creaked, crunched and struggled to open. The official pushed Barney through the gap with some urgency. Sammy and Celia were left to leap after him as the gates gave up the fight and shut decisively behind them.
Inside the gates the city rang with the cries of criminals selling stolen goods. It bustled with people, all running, fighting or threatening. An occasional scream cut through the noise, but nobody even turned a head. It was business as usual.
There were no cars in this city. There were no modern buildings, no machinery. Nothing new had come in through the gates in 50 years that hadn't been burnt or shot to pieces in fights over who they now belonged to. It was filthy, people and property alike caked in grime. The thieves, peasants and idiots who had been sent by the king all those years ago had multiplied but not learned how to wash. People were everywhere, spilling out of buildings, sleeping on the streets, throwing punches and generally being uncouth in the extreme. Babies wailed, and no-one came to them. It was not a nice place at all. And there was no way out.
Our travellers stood in awe for a moment, incapable of thinking in the omnipotent stench of ten thousand people who were not just currently unwashed, but had never been washed. Ever.
Sammy turned and hammered on the gates, bellowing. He pushed and slammed his shoulder into them. He swung his boot and kicked the wooden, unpainted side of the gates with all his might. They did not budge. And now he had a sore foot and his voice was hoarse. There was no escape.
They would have to make the best of it, they decided, after a short meeting. This mostly involved Sammy bellowing hoarsely, Barney covering his ears and moaning, and Celia suggesting calmly and sensibly that they find somewhere to stay for the night, before re-evaluating after a good night's sleep. Sammy snorted and said, "more like a good night of being murdered in our beds." But Celia was undeterred. They set out through the crowd, handkerchiefs over noses.
It took a long time to find an inn. Most travellers that mistakenly came to the city did not last five minutes before being mugged, murdered or otherwise incapacitated. Consequently, there were few inns, and these were all established for the sole purpose of robbing those few travellers who had managed to protect themselves in the city, while they slept. The inn they decided on was down a side road. There were fewer people here, but the stench was twice as bad. Celia did not like to think what the drains were used for. The inn itself was dark, dingy and completely unoccupied apart from the proprietor, a skinny man with greasy hair, who looked like he had fallen upon hard times. Not enough people made it as far into the city as this, and those who did only made it because they had nothing to steal or were very large. Because of this, there was not much profit to be made from stealing from them, and he had only just made enough to feed himself this month. This lot of travellers didn't look promising to him, because they were young and one of them was extremely large. But they paid upfront. Not with money, of course. They had long been divested of that. But the girl had presented a rather nice necklace, and so he had let them stay.
The necklace was only worth one room for one night (or so the innkeeper claimed). The room had a surprisingly nice bed, with a soft mattress and a patchwork quilt. There was no other furniture. There were no lights. There were no windows. Some sort of creature was snuffling disturbingly in the corner, out of sight in the shadows. But it was better than the street. Celia set about organising things.
They would take shifts sleeping, she decided. First Barney, then her, then Sammy. At all times someone would watch the door to protect their few possessions from the greedy hands of the innkeeper. In the morning they would leave early, find some breakfast, then travel around the edges of the city until they came to a hole in the wall, or an easy place to climb it. Sammy protested her arrangement for sleeping in shifts. He felt that it would be unsafe for him to sleep at all, because let's face it, who wants their worldly possessions protected by a useless, crazy, annoying weakling, and a lovely but dainty girl. He was at last persuaded, though, and stood at the door while Barney climbed into the bed. Soon, the sound of Barney's snores floated through the room.
The innkeeper was a patient man. He checked many times during the night, but the enormous young man was always there. He did not appear to need to sleep. So the innkeeper sat in the kitchen of his inn and waited. His friend Robbie the Ripper usually dropped in with news sometime during the night. The innkeeper, who had forgotten his name, if he had ever had one, was always ready with a foaming ale in return.
Robbie the Ripper arrived when the night was at its darkest, as he always did. He was shaking with excitement. There was news of new travellers in the city. The strongest of them had fought off the Chain gang - all six of them - and carried on without even needing to get his breath back. He was travelling with two others, a girl who had a sharp tongue and sharp nails, and a boy who looked small and twisted but had knocked out an attacker with a rock. This was the biggest thing to happen in this city for years. It was no longer about making a profit. This was sport. Jack Hammer was taking bets on who would take the new gang out. Only three gold pieces to enter. The game started at dawn tomorrow, and whoever won took out not just the prize pool, but the profits of all the participants’ next robberies.
The innkeeper grew excited as he listened. He smiled a secret smile. A contest! This was just what he needed. And he had the advantage, for he knew the whereabouts of the tree people Robbie was talking about. He gave Robbie a refill, then sent him on his way and sat down to plan. It would take all the cunning he possessed.
The innkeeper's cunning plan consisted of waiting until the big one was too tired to keep his eyes open, then luring his companions into another room with the promise of breakfast, locking them in, stabbing the big one as he slept, and taking off with all their possessions to collect his winnings. He could almost feel the gold in his hands. He chuckled greedily and settled down in his chair for a short nap while he waited.
The trouble with this cunning plan was that the innkeeper had not taken into account several important factors. Firstly, Sammy could overpower him in his sleep. Secondly, at least one of the three was not completely stupid, and thirdly, he had not actually given his three gold pieces and entered the competition. In the unlikely event that his plan worked and he managed to prove he had captured the newcomers, what would actually happen is that his fellow competitors would refuse to pay up and lynch him for cheating. But these things had failed to cross his mind, and so he closed his eyes with the deep satisfaction that comes with impending glory and riches.
When he awoke, sunlight poured through the window. Well, not so much poured. Really it just made a slightly lighter patch on the floor in places where there was a less dirty patch on the window. But the point of the expression is to emphasise that by the time the innkeeper woke up it was late morning. He hurried up the stairs to lock his guests in their room, his original plan having failed spectacularly. But when he reached the room it was empty. Blast those cunning tricksters! They had bested him once, but never again. He returned to his chair to plan.
Meanwhile, Sammy, Celia and Barney were at the centre of a brawl. For a few moments when they had appeared in the city square, the thugs had been too shocked to react. Surely nobody would be stupid enough to walk openly in the streets once there was a hit out on them, let alone if there was a game involving the entire criminal contingent of the city (and thus the entire city, bar a few honest but incompetent shoemakers) in which the top prize was given for presenting the leader with your dead body. The thugs quickly recovered from the shock though. It hurt their brains to think too hard. En masse, they attacked.
Suddenly, Barney was grabbed by a large and hairy man and carried off. Thick arms reached for Celia, but she fought like a very small rhinoceros that has been angered by a cruel taunt. She bit the hand that covered her mouth and it pulled away. its owner swearing. But the freedom didn't last long, for the men kept coming. Another grabbed her and subsequently released her as a fist the size of Celia's head thudded into his face. Celia slipped away as fists flew, and dodged a few grabbing hands. Her freedom was short-lived, though. Darkness swallowed her like a snake swallowing an antelope. She let out an exclamatory cry, but it went unheard in the ruckus.
So really it was just Sammy in the centre of a brawl. His friends were being dragged towards the edges and down side streets. Sammy saw the man pull the sack over Celia and toss her over his shoulder. Unfortunately, he could not help her at that point, as he was otherwise occupied with his seventeen knife-wielding assailants and was bleeding profusely from a stab-wound in his side. The Celia-sack disappeared from view as he blocked a knife attack and dodged the spiked knuckles of a man with no hair and several missing teeth. He grabbed the man by the arm and yanked. He lifted him and swung. The spike-knuckled man flew at speed into the next wave of attackers, knocking them down like dominoes. Unfortunately, in the City with no name, fair play was not on the cards, and a sudden pain wracked through Sammy. Someone had stabbed him in the back. He fell to his knees and everything went black.
A small, doddering official came out to greet them. He was elderly, fat, and somewhat out of breath when he reached them, but welcomed them effusively, before asking for payment to open the gates. Our travellers, despite having been attacked collectively by woodmen, a farmer with a gun, bandits, pirates, white slave traders and an enormous angry thing, had not encountered a common conman. Consequently, they saw nothing wrong with being asked for money to go into a city, and coughed up everything they had. The official waved a hand and the gates swept open. Or not so much swept as creaked, crunched and struggled to open. The official pushed Barney through the gap with some urgency. Sammy and Celia were left to leap after him as the gates gave up the fight and shut decisively behind them.
Inside the gates the city rang with the cries of criminals selling stolen goods. It bustled with people, all running, fighting or threatening. An occasional scream cut through the noise, but nobody even turned a head. It was business as usual.
There were no cars in this city. There were no modern buildings, no machinery. Nothing new had come in through the gates in 50 years that hadn't been burnt or shot to pieces in fights over who they now belonged to. It was filthy, people and property alike caked in grime. The thieves, peasants and idiots who had been sent by the king all those years ago had multiplied but not learned how to wash. People were everywhere, spilling out of buildings, sleeping on the streets, throwing punches and generally being uncouth in the extreme. Babies wailed, and no-one came to them. It was not a nice place at all. And there was no way out.
Our travellers stood in awe for a moment, incapable of thinking in the omnipotent stench of ten thousand people who were not just currently unwashed, but had never been washed. Ever.
Sammy turned and hammered on the gates, bellowing. He pushed and slammed his shoulder into them. He swung his boot and kicked the wooden, unpainted side of the gates with all his might. They did not budge. And now he had a sore foot and his voice was hoarse. There was no escape.
They would have to make the best of it, they decided, after a short meeting. This mostly involved Sammy bellowing hoarsely, Barney covering his ears and moaning, and Celia suggesting calmly and sensibly that they find somewhere to stay for the night, before re-evaluating after a good night's sleep. Sammy snorted and said, "more like a good night of being murdered in our beds." But Celia was undeterred. They set out through the crowd, handkerchiefs over noses.
It took a long time to find an inn. Most travellers that mistakenly came to the city did not last five minutes before being mugged, murdered or otherwise incapacitated. Consequently, there were few inns, and these were all established for the sole purpose of robbing those few travellers who had managed to protect themselves in the city, while they slept. The inn they decided on was down a side road. There were fewer people here, but the stench was twice as bad. Celia did not like to think what the drains were used for. The inn itself was dark, dingy and completely unoccupied apart from the proprietor, a skinny man with greasy hair, who looked like he had fallen upon hard times. Not enough people made it as far into the city as this, and those who did only made it because they had nothing to steal or were very large. Because of this, there was not much profit to be made from stealing from them, and he had only just made enough to feed himself this month. This lot of travellers didn't look promising to him, because they were young and one of them was extremely large. But they paid upfront. Not with money, of course. They had long been divested of that. But the girl had presented a rather nice necklace, and so he had let them stay.
The necklace was only worth one room for one night (or so the innkeeper claimed). The room had a surprisingly nice bed, with a soft mattress and a patchwork quilt. There was no other furniture. There were no lights. There were no windows. Some sort of creature was snuffling disturbingly in the corner, out of sight in the shadows. But it was better than the street. Celia set about organising things.
They would take shifts sleeping, she decided. First Barney, then her, then Sammy. At all times someone would watch the door to protect their few possessions from the greedy hands of the innkeeper. In the morning they would leave early, find some breakfast, then travel around the edges of the city until they came to a hole in the wall, or an easy place to climb it. Sammy protested her arrangement for sleeping in shifts. He felt that it would be unsafe for him to sleep at all, because let's face it, who wants their worldly possessions protected by a useless, crazy, annoying weakling, and a lovely but dainty girl. He was at last persuaded, though, and stood at the door while Barney climbed into the bed. Soon, the sound of Barney's snores floated through the room.
The innkeeper was a patient man. He checked many times during the night, but the enormous young man was always there. He did not appear to need to sleep. So the innkeeper sat in the kitchen of his inn and waited. His friend Robbie the Ripper usually dropped in with news sometime during the night. The innkeeper, who had forgotten his name, if he had ever had one, was always ready with a foaming ale in return.
Robbie the Ripper arrived when the night was at its darkest, as he always did. He was shaking with excitement. There was news of new travellers in the city. The strongest of them had fought off the Chain gang - all six of them - and carried on without even needing to get his breath back. He was travelling with two others, a girl who had a sharp tongue and sharp nails, and a boy who looked small and twisted but had knocked out an attacker with a rock. This was the biggest thing to happen in this city for years. It was no longer about making a profit. This was sport. Jack Hammer was taking bets on who would take the new gang out. Only three gold pieces to enter. The game started at dawn tomorrow, and whoever won took out not just the prize pool, but the profits of all the participants’ next robberies.
The innkeeper grew excited as he listened. He smiled a secret smile. A contest! This was just what he needed. And he had the advantage, for he knew the whereabouts of the tree people Robbie was talking about. He gave Robbie a refill, then sent him on his way and sat down to plan. It would take all the cunning he possessed.
The innkeeper's cunning plan consisted of waiting until the big one was too tired to keep his eyes open, then luring his companions into another room with the promise of breakfast, locking them in, stabbing the big one as he slept, and taking off with all their possessions to collect his winnings. He could almost feel the gold in his hands. He chuckled greedily and settled down in his chair for a short nap while he waited.
The trouble with this cunning plan was that the innkeeper had not taken into account several important factors. Firstly, Sammy could overpower him in his sleep. Secondly, at least one of the three was not completely stupid, and thirdly, he had not actually given his three gold pieces and entered the competition. In the unlikely event that his plan worked and he managed to prove he had captured the newcomers, what would actually happen is that his fellow competitors would refuse to pay up and lynch him for cheating. But these things had failed to cross his mind, and so he closed his eyes with the deep satisfaction that comes with impending glory and riches.
When he awoke, sunlight poured through the window. Well, not so much poured. Really it just made a slightly lighter patch on the floor in places where there was a less dirty patch on the window. But the point of the expression is to emphasise that by the time the innkeeper woke up it was late morning. He hurried up the stairs to lock his guests in their room, his original plan having failed spectacularly. But when he reached the room it was empty. Blast those cunning tricksters! They had bested him once, but never again. He returned to his chair to plan.
Meanwhile, Sammy, Celia and Barney were at the centre of a brawl. For a few moments when they had appeared in the city square, the thugs had been too shocked to react. Surely nobody would be stupid enough to walk openly in the streets once there was a hit out on them, let alone if there was a game involving the entire criminal contingent of the city (and thus the entire city, bar a few honest but incompetent shoemakers) in which the top prize was given for presenting the leader with your dead body. The thugs quickly recovered from the shock though. It hurt their brains to think too hard. En masse, they attacked.
Suddenly, Barney was grabbed by a large and hairy man and carried off. Thick arms reached for Celia, but she fought like a very small rhinoceros that has been angered by a cruel taunt. She bit the hand that covered her mouth and it pulled away. its owner swearing. But the freedom didn't last long, for the men kept coming. Another grabbed her and subsequently released her as a fist the size of Celia's head thudded into his face. Celia slipped away as fists flew, and dodged a few grabbing hands. Her freedom was short-lived, though. Darkness swallowed her like a snake swallowing an antelope. She let out an exclamatory cry, but it went unheard in the ruckus.
So really it was just Sammy in the centre of a brawl. His friends were being dragged towards the edges and down side streets. Sammy saw the man pull the sack over Celia and toss her over his shoulder. Unfortunately, he could not help her at that point, as he was otherwise occupied with his seventeen knife-wielding assailants and was bleeding profusely from a stab-wound in his side. The Celia-sack disappeared from view as he blocked a knife attack and dodged the spiked knuckles of a man with no hair and several missing teeth. He grabbed the man by the arm and yanked. He lifted him and swung. The spike-knuckled man flew at speed into the next wave of attackers, knocking them down like dominoes. Unfortunately, in the City with no name, fair play was not on the cards, and a sudden pain wracked through Sammy. Someone had stabbed him in the back. He fell to his knees and everything went black.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Chapter 17 - The Diamond Road
If Barney had hoped that saving Celia’s life was the key to her heart, he was sadly wrong. When she had finally struggled back on to the path, she had stumbled straight past him, almost knocking him over the edge, and leapt into Sammy’s arms. Sammy had wrapped his big, strong arms around her in what Barney thought was an unnecessarily long hug. Barney, who was used to this sort of thing, just sighed.
When Sammy finally released Celia, they continued up the slippery path, moving slowly and carefully this time. It was a long way to their destination, and Sammy’s heart thudded like a drum in the hands of an overexcited six-year-old the whole way. The path wound along the edge of the ravine, leading to a rock bridge spanning the river. The river surged immediately below the bridge, white water smashing into rock pillars, the spray billowing up like a curtain in the wind. On the other side of the bridge it fell away in a waterfall, so high that the river could barely be seen below.
When it came time to cross, Sammy took Celia’s hand, under the pretence of protecting her. They stepped out onto the bridge together. Barney followed, as always, a few steps behind. Crossing the bridge was surprisingly uneventful. It was what lay on the other side, however, that made Barney cry out in an uncharacteristically exclamatory fashion.
A road of diamonds extended as far as the eye could see, gleaming even in the rain. Barney had never seen such riches. Neither, of course, had Celia, who was a mere farmer’s daughter. Sameus Rufus Pegasus had resided with the Gods, surrounded by far richer jewels than these. Had he been paying close attention, he would have noticed that they were not real diamonds, just well cut glass. But he was not, as he was busy doing deep breathing exercises and surreptitiously checking his trousers for wet patches after the ordeal of the bridge. So Barney cried out in wonder at the wealth, and Celia sighed with relief that they had reached the road that Arnold had whispered secretly in her ear about. Celia hadn’t told anyone about the diamond road, because she did not to distract her companions from their mission for the shoe. She was intent on Sammy ascending to the Kingdom of the Gods – with her as his wife. He had saved her life so many times. He was so strong and heroic. She smiled to herself and started down the road to the city of shoes.
Unfortunately, as Sammy could have told her if he was paying attention, they were not actually heading towards the City of Shoes on the Diamond road. A long time ago, a King – Gerald XXII, or was it Harold XVI? – had realised that a diamond road leading directly to his palace was asking for trouble. This was after his soldiers had repelled the seventh assault on the city in as many years, with significant loss of life. So he had formed a workforce, and all his prisoners and the poor men of the city had been set to work laying another road, this one a road of glass. It led not from the River of the Eastern Reach to the City of Shoes, but to another, far more sinister place.
For that ancient King had built not only a second, less expensive road, but also a second city, far off to the North, so invaders would be confused and led away from his precious palace and his wealth. The city was populated by the workforce – the thieves, murderers, lower class, and the exceptionally bad shoemakers. This city had taken on a life of its own, growing into a web of ganglands in a forest of deceit. It had no government and no name, but a great many daggers, and a well-polished glass road.
These days, the glass road served dual purposes. The confusing of invading forces had become secondary to the luring of wealthy and ignorant travellers into the depths of the city, where they were subsequently robbed, murdered, and never heard from again. Celia, Barney and Sammy traipsed blindly along the glass road.
Barney glared at Sammy’s back. Sammy appeared to have forgotten to release Celia’s hand after leaving the bridge. Barney was not a naturally cheerful person, as you may have realised by now, and even the gleaming stones of the road could not lift his spirits for long. He came to a decision. He would have to tell Celia how he felt. Although, obviously not to her face. She would just laugh at him. People always laughed at young men with twisted limbs and wonky faces. He would write her a letter, he decided, conveniently forgetting that he had left school at the age of 14, and had refused to touch a book for several years before that, and consequently could not write very well. As soon as they reached the city, he decided, he would find a wax tablet or a nice stone, and write a love letter. He began to compose it in his head.
My dearest Celia, (it began)
I love you.
Here Barney ran out of ideas, not being of a literary bent. He supposed it should be longer. Maybe he could write something about her hair. Yes, that was it!
Your hair is nice and bouncy.
What else? Eyes! Love letters always went on about eyes.
Your eyes are nice and blue.
Now what? Her smile! Barney liked her smile. It made him go fuzzy inside.
Your smile is nice and smiley.
No, it wasn’t good enough. No-one took a love letter seriously if it was only five lines long. He wracked his brains. The sun had come out and the roads sparkled dazzlingly, but Barney hardly noticed, so hard was he concentrating on his letter. Inspiration struck him.
You are always nice to me.
This was good. Almost like a poem. Girls liked poems, according to one of the men who had worked at the quarry with him. He hadn’t actually told Barney this, because nobody ever actually spoke to Barney except to yell at him, but Barney had heard him telling his friend during the lunch break one day. Yes, he would make it into a poem, with rhymes, he decided.
Dear Celia,
You are nice and smiley,
You are always nice to me.
Your hair is nice and bouncy,
And you are not a tree.
Your eyes are nice and blue,
Your dress is nice too,
You are helping find a shoe
And I love you!
Love From Barney
Perfect!
But Barney did not have a chance to give profess his love that day.
When Sammy finally released Celia, they continued up the slippery path, moving slowly and carefully this time. It was a long way to their destination, and Sammy’s heart thudded like a drum in the hands of an overexcited six-year-old the whole way. The path wound along the edge of the ravine, leading to a rock bridge spanning the river. The river surged immediately below the bridge, white water smashing into rock pillars, the spray billowing up like a curtain in the wind. On the other side of the bridge it fell away in a waterfall, so high that the river could barely be seen below.
When it came time to cross, Sammy took Celia’s hand, under the pretence of protecting her. They stepped out onto the bridge together. Barney followed, as always, a few steps behind. Crossing the bridge was surprisingly uneventful. It was what lay on the other side, however, that made Barney cry out in an uncharacteristically exclamatory fashion.
A road of diamonds extended as far as the eye could see, gleaming even in the rain. Barney had never seen such riches. Neither, of course, had Celia, who was a mere farmer’s daughter. Sameus Rufus Pegasus had resided with the Gods, surrounded by far richer jewels than these. Had he been paying close attention, he would have noticed that they were not real diamonds, just well cut glass. But he was not, as he was busy doing deep breathing exercises and surreptitiously checking his trousers for wet patches after the ordeal of the bridge. So Barney cried out in wonder at the wealth, and Celia sighed with relief that they had reached the road that Arnold had whispered secretly in her ear about. Celia hadn’t told anyone about the diamond road, because she did not to distract her companions from their mission for the shoe. She was intent on Sammy ascending to the Kingdom of the Gods – with her as his wife. He had saved her life so many times. He was so strong and heroic. She smiled to herself and started down the road to the city of shoes.
Unfortunately, as Sammy could have told her if he was paying attention, they were not actually heading towards the City of Shoes on the Diamond road. A long time ago, a King – Gerald XXII, or was it Harold XVI? – had realised that a diamond road leading directly to his palace was asking for trouble. This was after his soldiers had repelled the seventh assault on the city in as many years, with significant loss of life. So he had formed a workforce, and all his prisoners and the poor men of the city had been set to work laying another road, this one a road of glass. It led not from the River of the Eastern Reach to the City of Shoes, but to another, far more sinister place.
For that ancient King had built not only a second, less expensive road, but also a second city, far off to the North, so invaders would be confused and led away from his precious palace and his wealth. The city was populated by the workforce – the thieves, murderers, lower class, and the exceptionally bad shoemakers. This city had taken on a life of its own, growing into a web of ganglands in a forest of deceit. It had no government and no name, but a great many daggers, and a well-polished glass road.
These days, the glass road served dual purposes. The confusing of invading forces had become secondary to the luring of wealthy and ignorant travellers into the depths of the city, where they were subsequently robbed, murdered, and never heard from again. Celia, Barney and Sammy traipsed blindly along the glass road.
Barney glared at Sammy’s back. Sammy appeared to have forgotten to release Celia’s hand after leaving the bridge. Barney was not a naturally cheerful person, as you may have realised by now, and even the gleaming stones of the road could not lift his spirits for long. He came to a decision. He would have to tell Celia how he felt. Although, obviously not to her face. She would just laugh at him. People always laughed at young men with twisted limbs and wonky faces. He would write her a letter, he decided, conveniently forgetting that he had left school at the age of 14, and had refused to touch a book for several years before that, and consequently could not write very well. As soon as they reached the city, he decided, he would find a wax tablet or a nice stone, and write a love letter. He began to compose it in his head.
My dearest Celia, (it began)
I love you.
Here Barney ran out of ideas, not being of a literary bent. He supposed it should be longer. Maybe he could write something about her hair. Yes, that was it!
Your hair is nice and bouncy.
What else? Eyes! Love letters always went on about eyes.
Your eyes are nice and blue.
Now what? Her smile! Barney liked her smile. It made him go fuzzy inside.
Your smile is nice and smiley.
No, it wasn’t good enough. No-one took a love letter seriously if it was only five lines long. He wracked his brains. The sun had come out and the roads sparkled dazzlingly, but Barney hardly noticed, so hard was he concentrating on his letter. Inspiration struck him.
You are always nice to me.
This was good. Almost like a poem. Girls liked poems, according to one of the men who had worked at the quarry with him. He hadn’t actually told Barney this, because nobody ever actually spoke to Barney except to yell at him, but Barney had heard him telling his friend during the lunch break one day. Yes, he would make it into a poem, with rhymes, he decided.
Dear Celia,
You are nice and smiley,
You are always nice to me.
Your hair is nice and bouncy,
And you are not a tree.
Your eyes are nice and blue,
Your dress is nice too,
You are helping find a shoe
And I love you!
Love From Barney
Perfect!
But Barney did not have a chance to give profess his love that day.
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